


an aching world

by vulcanistics



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: 2007 Formula 1 Season, 2008 Formula 1 Season, Alcohol, Alternate Universe, Angst, Bullying, F/F, Female Friendship, Femslash, Girls in Love, Mark Webber & Sebastian Vettel, Publicity, Sexism, Sexuality, Slurs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-19
Updated: 2018-06-25
Packaged: 2019-02-04 11:25:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12770031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vulcanistics/pseuds/vulcanistics
Summary: Sebastiana Vettel wins trophy after trophy, and twists her laugher and her speed into weapons. Maybe everyone will shut up when she wins the world.Kimi Räikkönen knows how momentous her every race is. She was always a risk from the very start, but she's a risk that's worth it.in which, Sebastiana Vettel and Kimi Räikkönen are female Formula 1 drivers.





	1. walk the line

**Author's Note:**

> \- This fic originally started out with the desire to write something based on "Little Red Corvette" by Prince, but the finished product spiralled into something else entirely. And I love it.  
> \- It should also be noted that this is not the finished product. I do not know why I decide to create WIPs when I'm so busy freakin' busy.  
> \- The title is taken from "It's Not A Side Effect Of The Cocaine, I Am Thinking It Must Be Love" by Fall Out Boy, which is a song that definitely fits this fic.  
> \- Finally, this fic has been typed out on my phone, and I apologise for every single grammatical error. I hope you guys like it and I hope I can write more.
> 
>  
> 
> Also, general warning for slurs and abusive language and insults. This is a work of fiction!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An account of the years leading up to Sebastiana's and Kimi's first meeting.

The first time someone calls Sebastiana Vettel a slut, the word hits her with a hand pushing sharply between her shoulder blades. She’s waiting for her eldest sister outside her classroom when someone shoves her into the group of seventeen-year-olds emerging from the room, exclaiming loudly that racing needed sluts like her for the men to survive. She is twelve years old, and doesn’t really knows what the word _slut_ means but she knows that it is meant to insult her, to hurt her. The statement is meant to be a knife pressed against her throat till she bleeds. Her backpack falls to the ground and she turns around, but she is in a crowded hallway and the person is already swallowed by the sea of faceless students.

She tells her sisters what happened as they walk home from school and their faces contort in quiet fury. Stefanie grips her by the shoulders and tells her that she can't let anyone talk to her like that ever again. Melanie squeezes her hand and kisses her on the forehead. When she asks them to explain to her what slut means, they smile sadly and ruffle her hair, but they don’t answer her question. Neither of them tell her what slut meant.

She doesn’t ever forget the first day someone called her a slut. She didn't know it back then but that day was the start of years of name-calling, years of undermining her talent, years of people talking shit about her. 

She is twelve years old when she realises how much her parents shield her from the world, and how much she doesn’t know. She is very young when she realises that she has no control over what people say about her and she learns this in school because her family can try, but they cannot protect her in her classroom.

She hates school. The boys smirk and snicker when she walks into the classroom, they roll their eyes when she raises her hand in class, they shove and push her out of the way in hallways. They leave bits of shredded newspaper on her desk and she knows that if she were to piece the paper together, she'd find an article about her latest win. They look at her during gym class as she awkwardly pulls at the hems of her gym shorts and loudly remark about how she’ll never make it into Formula 1 because she's not a boy. Her hands tremble as she ties her shoelaces and she wants to scream and say that there have been female Formula 1 drivers, that there _is_ a female Formula 1 driver, that Kimi Räikkönen is a woman and she's in Formula 1, and Sebastiana’s dream is not stupid or far-fetched or impossible.

So, she smiles and bares her teeth at them when they call her a bitch, telling herself that she has to deal with this if she wants to succeed. She tells herself that high school is secondary to racing. She's out there winning trophy after trophy and her name is out there and these boys cannot touch her. She learns to twist her smile into a shield, laughing and grinning as someone makes an unwarranted comment. She has no knives and daggers, so she learns to make her laugher and her speed into weapons against them. She promises herself that she's going to win the world, and maybe then, everyone will shut up. She makes herself go faster, makes herself drive harder, train harder – puts her heart and soul into racing. She learns to be charming and funny.

 

She makes friends with the people in school, drawing them by her charisma and wit, but she doesn't have a best friend. When she sees the girls and boys in her class whispering to their best friends, it leaves her feeling a funny bout of longing. She doesn't need a best friend in her life, but she would like to talk to someone who wasn't part of her family.

When she’s fourteen years old, Hanna Prater moves to Heppenheim and joins her gymnasium. The teacher makes Hanna sit near Sebastiana and that's pretty much the start of their friendship. Hanna laughs at all of Sebastiana’s jokes, watches British television with her, speaks to her in English and German and French, studies for exams with her – becomes her best friend. The first time Hanna hears someone calling Sebastiana a bitch, her face turns pink and she punches the girl in the shoulder. Sebastiana stares at Hanna who looks at her and shrugs her shoulders, like she hasn't destabilised the world around her.

Hanna wears her hair in a high ponytail, her handwriting is neat cursive, she’s on the girls’ football team, she loves chocolate cake and she won't hesitate to punch assholes. She's fifteen years old when she realises that she's either in love with Hanna or wants to be like her. They're both fifteen when Stefan from the class above them asks Hanna on a date. Sebastiana giggles excitedly down the phone as Hanna recounts her date. She's not in love with Hanna, but she wants to be like her.

 

The first time she meets Kimi Räikkönen, she's sixteen years old. She doesn't know how she manages to do but she gets lost in the Nürburing paddock. She squints down at the map Michael Schumacher drew for her and decides that while she's going to save the drawing, it's a completely useless map. 

She's so busy looking at the map that she doesn’t see the person walking in front of her until she nearly walks into their back. Kimi Räikkönen turns around to regard her impassively and Sebastiana swallows thickly, because she has posters of Michael Schumacher and Kimi Räikkönen hanging in her bedroom and she didn't think that the first time she met Kimi, she'd be this unprepared. She pulls off the red cap from her head and gives it to Kimi.

“May I have an autograph please?” Her voice doesn't shake, and she hopes she sounds a lot older than she actually is.

Kimi is wearing her McLaren team shirt and she stares at the cap in Sebastiana’s hands, “This is a Ferrari cap.”

“Yes.”

Kimi narrows her eyes at her but takes the cap from her. She signs it and then loosely places it on Sebastiana’s head. Kimi makes a move to leave but Sebastian quickly reaches out to grab her shoulder. Kimi brushes the strands of her long blonde hair from her face and scowls at Sebastiana.

“Can you please tell me how to get to the Ferrari garage? I think I've managed to get lost in a place I’ve been to a hundred times.”

“Who the hell are you?” Kimi asks, crossing her arms in front of her chest. Sebastiana is sure she isn't impressing the notoriously cold Finnish driver.

“Sebastiana Vettel, I'm a driver, part of the Red Bull programme – I'm a guest of Michael Schumacher’s for the race.”

Kimi grunts and nods her head, reaching up to adjust her McLaren cap so that her eyes are hidden. She turns away from Sebastiana as she says, “Come, I’ll take you there.”

She's sixteen years old the first time she rambles to Kimi Räikkönen, but Kimi listens to her and doesn't make her feel like she needs to cut down on her sentences, swallow down the words she wants to say. 

Kimi walks with long strides, her hands shoved in the pockets of her jeans, nodding at Sebastiana whenever she deems necessary. Sebastiana has heard Kimi’s interviews but she realises that Kimi’s voice is soft but full, smooth and well-rounded. Sebastiana feels her cheeks warm up when Kimi laughs at a particularly bad joke. When they reach the Ferrari garage, Kimi walks away from her without a good-bye, but she doesn't feel too bad about it, especially because not only did she get a cap signed by Kimi, she also got to talk to her, and that's definitely the highlight of the weekend. 

Michael Schumacher raises an eyebrow when he sees Kimi’s signature on her cap and smirks at her. She tries very hard not to squeal with happiness.

  

 

 

 

Kimi Räikkönen’s first boyfriend asks her to marry him on the eve of her nineteenth birthday. They are on the mountain peak, miles and miles of land stretch around her. Reijo looks at her with a smile, the ring gleams in the harsh sunlight. He is twenty-five years old, seven years older than her, and he plays bass in a Finnish metal band. She doesn’t want to marry him. She treks home alone and allows herself only an hour to cry over her first serious break-up. She doesn’t tell her parents about the proposal she turned down, and instead, tells them that Reijo couldn’t match up to her fast lifestyle.

A week after the break-up she sleeps with a stranger she meets at a bar. The man has a scruffy beard and looks nothing like Reijo. He kisses her tattoos and fucks her and doesn’t ask her name. When she gets home, Rami’s still up and he opens the door for her. In the low light, her hickeys stand out prominently on her neck. Rami sighs and hugs her and tells her to be careful. Kimi pushes her hair behind her ears and storms to her room. She knows that her brother thinks she’s self-destructing but she isn’t – she is having fun and letting loose, and nothing can affect her. 

On her twentieth birthday, she gets drunk and thinks about Reijo asking her to marry him and she laughs between bottles of vodka. She thinks about the men and women she’s slept with ever since the break-up, she barely remembers their names and their faces, and she knows what people say about her. She wonders what would happen if she got their insults tattooed on her skin – her mother would have a heart-attack. She chugs the final bottle of vodka and squares her shoulders. The thrill of risky business hums and shakes beneath her skin. She focuses on being as still as possible.   

She meets Jani in 2002 and he is the first serious boyfriend since Reijo. He’s attractive and funny and Kimi knows that the papers are going crazy over them. She reads the headlines about how Jani has managed to tame the “promiscuous” and “wild” Räikkönen and, Kimi rolls her eyes. She likes Jani, and Jani really likes her, but there is no taming between them. Kimi’s not sure if she's in love with Jani. 

Jani comes to her races and doesn't understand Formula 1, and sometimes, scoffs at the sport itself, but Kimi doesn't really mind. She never expected anyone to care much about her race anyway. But even if Jani doesn't fully understand how momentous her every race is, her family understands, she understands, the world understands. She was always a risk from the very start, but she knows that every time she races, she makes the risk worth it. Jani always forgets to watch her races on the television – she doesn't care. He really likes her.

 

At the 2002 British Grand Prix, she overhears Michael Schumacher talking about a young exceptional driver. She angles her body away from the conversation, making herself appear as inconspicuous as possible. Michael praises some kid who is being sponsored by Red Bull. She notes the way in which Michael's chest appears to swell as he says that the kid is definitely going to blow away the world one day. Kimi rolls her eyes behind her sunglasses because she's not the least bit surprised that Schumacher had a protégé. She doesn't know if Michael is proud or humbled. She hears the name Vettel and doesn't think much of it.

A year later, she meets Sebastiana Vettel in the Nürburing paddock and realises that she automatically assumed Schumacher’s protégé was a boy.

Sebastiana Vettel has a Ferrari cap that she's jammed over her short blonde curls and she doesn't look like she's a driver, but Kimi knows better than to assume things. Sebastiana, also known as Seb or Basti or Seba or Ana or Bastiana or Sebi, talks a lot, and not just with her mouth, but with her entire body. Kimi watches her from the corner of her eye as Sebastiana punches the air as she talks about Kimi’s car for the year. Her fingers pull at the words around them and her palms wring her sentences into shapes. 

Kimi is fascinated by the complete self-assurance of a girl who looks like she's only sixteen-years-old. Seb is smart and observant and appears to be subtly trying to make Kimi laugh. Kimi doesn’t try to stop her laughter after Sebastiana makes a particularly bad joke; and it's worth seeing the way Seb’s face lights up even further as she grins smugly at Kimi.

She hasn't seen this girl drive but she believes what Michael Schumacher said about her – this awkward, gangly girl with a bright smile and determined eyes was going to blow away the world someday. 

As she walks away from the Ferrari garage, Kimi promises herself that she's going to keep an eye out for Sebastiana Vettel. Michael, to his credit, doesn't even blink when Kimi asks him for Sebastiana’s phone number at the next race. She loses the number in her hotel room and doesn't bother going to Michael again. Besides, she knows that Sebastiana would be back in the paddock soon – she belonged to Formula 1.


	2. guts and glory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "We love a lot / So we only lose a little / But we are alive, we are alive, we are alive"
> 
> in which, Kimi and Sebastiana are glorious, and still, everything hurts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title and the lyrics in the summary are from Fall Out Boy's Death Valley

 

 

 

 _2007_.

 

The first question Sebastiana gets asked is so predictable, she has to stop herself from laughing. The media wants to know her thoughts on Kimi’s victory, and she’s not particularly well known as yet but her potential glory is so close. The air in Brazil is thick and heavy with her dreams and desires. Sebastiana knows that she’s still a nobody, but not for long, and maybe that is why the press has asked to talk to her. She had to retire early in the race but she didn’t leave the paddock. She stayed for Kimi—now she had to talk about what Kimi’s win means to her and the future of women in Formula 1.

Sebastiana can see Kimi from the corner of her eye, talking to a group of reporters and she smiles to herself. The season was over and Kimi had actually won the championship. Kimi had become the first woman Formula 1 World Champion. She knows what she wants to say in response to the reporter’s question. She knew the answer even before he asked her the question.

She smiles at the reporter and says, “I have a lot of emotions and thoughts. And I must begin by congratulating her because she is the deserving winner. I am delighted and happy and proud of her.” Seb sees Kimi moving to the next reporter, moving closer to where Seb’s standing. Kimi glances at her and Sebastiana raises her hand in acknowledgement.

She bites her lips as she considers her next words, “I honestly believe that people need to stop underestimating us as women drivers. We deserve to be here. And Kimi showed that today. She was calm, collected, confident under all that pressure. Growing up, I would get bullied because a lot of people thought that I would never make it. But Kimi was proof that you could break into F1 and now she’s won the championship. She won it with Ferrari, and by one point. It is incredible and awesome. Honestly, today is an important day in our history.” Sebastiana sees the corner of Kimi’s lips curl up and she grins at the reporter as she waits for the next question. Kimi brushes her fingers against her back as she walks past her and Seb smiles.

 

Sebastiana knows she’s blushing, her cheeks are warming up, but she has to look at Kimi for this, it’s important that she sees Kimi’s reaction. She’s standing in the hallway outside Kimi’s hotel room and waiting for Kimi to just say something. Kimi glances down at the Ferrari cap and the rose in Sebastiana’s hands and raises an eyebrow. Seb shakes her head, smiles and doesn’t say anything.

Kimi frowns and glares at the objects in Seb’s hands. Suddenly, her eyes widen in amazement and Sebastiana sees the exact moment Kimi makes the connection between the Ferrari cap she’s holding in her hand and their first meeting five years ago. Kimi snatches the cap from Seb’s hands.

“Is this–?” Sebastiana shyly nods.

“I thought it was only fitting for you to sign it as World Champion. And, I also got you a rose as congratulations.”

Kimi cocks her head to the side and Sebastiana wills herself not to squirm under her fierce gaze. For a brief second, she intensely regrets even bringing the rose. She stupidly thought it would be a sweet gesture. She’s about to apologise when Kimi reaches out to pull the rose from Seb’s hand and raises the flower to her lips. Sebastiana watches Kimi ideally tap her lips with the flower and her face heats up. She’s not going to expound energy thinking about her own reaction.

Kimi twirls the stem of the rose in her fingers before fixing her gaze back on Seb, “You’re the first person to personally deliver their congratulatory flower. Thanks. Come on in, there’s vodka in the minibar.”

Seb follows Kimi into her room and collapses on the bed. She hears Kimi humming under her breath, then she hears the sound of the minibar being opened. Sebastiana sits up to look at Kimi, “Don’t you have to go to a party soon?”

Kimi stands up, holding two bottles of vodka, and shrugs, “Yeah.”

Sebastiana is not surprised and she sighs as Kimi places a bottle in her hand, “Are you sure 0you want to drink before the party? I mean, the party is for you.”

“Who the fuck cares if I show up drunk to my own party? Come on, Vettel, are you afraid of a drink?”

“Kimi,” Seb says warningly, but Kimi only smiles and squeezes Sebastiana’s knees. Seb rolls her eyes and raises her bottle and knocks it against Kimi, “Congratulations World Champion! Cheers!”

Sebastiana is not afraid of a drink but she knows that she’s a light-weight. It doesn’t take a lot for her to become giggly and affectionate and tipsy. She feels simultaneously hyperaware and distant from everything. Kimi is on her phone and Sebastiana laughs and rests her forehead on Kimi’s shoulder, she needs to feel connected to something solid. She cannot let go of Kimi’s gravity. She’s tipsy and she feels as though she could drift away.

“I’m really happy for you,” Sebastiana whispers. Kimi adjusts herself so that she can wrap her arm around Seb and Seb rests her head in the crook of Kimi’s shoulder.

“Seb...” There’s something odd about Kimi’s voice and Sebastiana tilts her head up to peer at Kimi’s face.

“What’s wrong?”

Kimi smiles softly at her and mutters, “Nothing… Sinä olet kaunis.”

Sebastiana frowns in confusion, she’s been trying to work on her Finnish but at that moment, she doesn’t understand Kimi, “What?”

“Are you coming for my party?”

Seb blinks in surprise, “I’m invited?” Her voice slurs and she winces.

Kimi doesn’t look at her when she replies, “I mean, my boyfriend isn’t here, so might as well take my friend.”

“Jani isn’t–” Sebastiana trails off. She’s met Jani once or twice before and she still doesn’t know what to think of him. Kimi had introduced her to him in 2006 and Jani had smiled politely and nodded. Kimi liked Jani. Sebastiana wonders if maybe Kimi is sad.

Seb wants to go for the party, she wants to spend time with Kimi, but vodka and she have never mixed well. “I can’t, I’m too drunk. And you’re not.”

“Nobody told you to drink so fast. Go to sleep here only, I’ll be back later.”

Seb nods, closing her eyes. She feels Kimi guide her into a sleeping position. There’s a soft pillow under her head. Kimi’s hands are in her hair, gently stroking her head. She can feel her tiredness and drunkenness mingling together and crawling up her spine. She needs to sleep.

Sebastiana dreams of a flash of silver and strawberry lip-balm. She dreams of lips pressing against her forehead.  

 

 _2008_.

 

Kimi pushes her way through the journalists surrounding Sebastiana. She’s hundred percent certain someone’s going to complain about her. Her left shoulder hurts from where she hit it against a reporter’s elbow. Sebastiana is in the centre of the journalists and when Kimi finally reaches her, she has to stop herself from gathering the girl up in her arms. Seb is grinning at her, bright and delighted and golden and Kimi smiles.

Kimi reaches for her, she can’t help it. She reaches for Sebastiana and hugs her. Kimi squeezes Sebastiana and laughs in her. Seb’s wavy blonde hair tickles her but Kimi wants to hold on to this, hold on to the moment.

She whispers in Seb’s ears, “Youngest ever Grand Prix winner. Congratulations Seb!”

Kimi can hear the smile in Sebastiana’s voice when she says, “Monza. Kimi, I won Monza.”

The sky is overcast with gathering rain clouds but Sebastiana shines in the middle of the darkness. Kimi pulls away from her and glances at the cameras, the journalists and the reporters around her. Kimi smirks and ruffles Seb’s hair, “Good job kid.”

Later in the day, Felipe stops her in the Ferrari garage and slyly remarks that he’s never seen her so affectionate. Kimi knows he’s just teasing her but something about the twinkle in Felipe’s eyes makes her feel uncomfortable. She rolls her eyes and walks away.

 

Jani picks her up from the airport and the moment Kimi sees him, she kisses him. She allows him to wrap his arms around her waist. Jani tastes so familiar on her lips. He smells of newspaper, pine leaves and black coffee. She breaks away from the kiss.

Kimi leans against the window and watches the scenery run past her.

“How was the race?” Jani asks.

“Good. Seb won.”

“That’s good.”

Kimi thinks of Seb standing on the podium, young and so full of potential and doesn’t say anything else.

Later that night, after sex, Jani asks her to marry him. They’re both naked and Kimi doesn’t even think before she says yes.

  


_2009_.

 

“When were you going to tell me?” Sebastiana voice echoes in Kimi’s hotel room, clear and loud and pissed-off. Kimi knows exactly what she’s talking about.

Kimi shrugs and continues folding her clothes into her suitcase, “It didn’t concern you.”

There’s a sharp intake of breath and when Kimi turns, Seb’s eyes are filled with tears. Kimi cannot make this right. Seb shakes her head, “Why would you say that? Why would you think it didn’t concern me? You can’t just fucking leave people.”

“I don’t have a seat for next year, so I’m leaving. There, I told you now.” Kimi knows she sounds like an asshole but she has to be one. If she allows herself one moment of weakness, it’s over for her. She has to be strong. It’s okay. She’s okay. Kimi thinks of all the times she’s been called a bitch. Ice-cold bitch. Kimi loathes that term, loathes it with all her heart, but she believes that maybe it's the perfect term for her. Sebastiana’s heartbroken expression is proof that maybe Kimi really is an ice-cold bitch.

“This is like the time you didn’t tell me you were getting married, and I had to find out through the papers,” Sebastiana laughs and tucks a curl of hair behind her ears. Kimi hates hearing the bitterness and hurt in Seb’s laugh. She’s the reason behind it.

Sebastiana steps forwards and wraps her arms around Kimi. Her lips brush against Kimi’s earlobe and Kimi freezes. “I hope you’re happy Kimi. Good bye.”

When Seb walks through the door, Kimi doesn’t stop her. She continues packing. It’s okay. She’s okay.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently, I can only write when I have to study, what is this bullshit. Anyway, I love these girls and I hope you love them too.
> 
> Also, sinä olet kaunis means you're beautiful :)


	3. all my best lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sebastiana loves her team with all her heart, but even she can recognise a bad idea when she sees one. And Horner and Marko's latest idea is frankly terrible and insulting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- So, as some of you might have realised, I took down the chapter I'd posted earlier and rewrote it and here it is again. There are some minor changes and things that I've cut out because it made me vaguely uncomfortable. I genuinely hope you like this new and updated chapter.  
> \- I have a lot of feelings about Mark and Seb in general and I've wanted to write this interaction for a very long time.  
> \- here's [a playlist](https://open.spotify.com/user/pkdtuo9b1z8lf1wql2bumpjx4/playlist/7ysW8Uxf3S4aAmJwKcZ8EY) for the fic   
> \- chapter title is from lorde's homemade dynamite

 

 

_After the Turkey GP 2010._

Sebastiana is drumming her fingers on the terrace railing when she hears footsteps coming up the stairs. Cocking her head slightly, she listens to the measured footsteps before looking over her shoulder. The door to the terrace pushes open and Mark Webber steps out, Sebastiana blinks in surprise at her teammate.

Mark shifts uneasily and nods at her, “Thought I’d probably find you here.”

Sebastiana frowns and turns to face Mark. The metal of the terrace railing is cold through her team t-shirt. She studies Mark as he walks towards her and she thinks of their cars colliding and destroying each other. She remembers the shock and rage coursing through her body. Jutting her chin out, she glares at Mark and swallows thickly at the look on his face. She hates the softness in Mark’s eyes, the downward slope of his lips, she wants to scratch off the pity on Mark’s face. Her fingernails dig into the palms of her hands. Mark comes to stand besides her and he rests his hands on the railing.

Two hours ago they had been screaming at each other, trading insults and cutting remarks. She had told Mark that he was driving on borrowed time, that he should have quit Formula 1 years ago. Mark had scowled at her and called her a bratty bitch who didn’t deserve to play with the big boys. She had been so close to punching him in the face, but Britta had stepped in before her fist could fly. Britta had gripped her by her shoulders and told her to calm the fuck down because Horner and Marko wanted to speak to both of them.

Sebastiana watches Mark squint at the clouds dusting the Milton Keynes skies and she considers punching him on the terrace but her rage at Mark has transformed into simmering hurt and fury towards her bosses. She is so fucking angry.

“Fuck off,” Sebastiana snarls, but she knows that there isn’t enough heat behind her words to make Mark react.

Mark scoffs and throws her an unimpressed glance, “Are you going to do it?”

Sebastiana scowls down at her hands. Half an hour ago she had calmly walked out of Christian’s office after a disastrous meeting. She closes her eyes and she can see Christian smiling at her from across his desk. Helmut Marko looms behind him. She remembers Christian telling her that she should get a boyfriend to improve her image. She remembers how Mark’s eyes had widened, how Britta had frozen in her seat, how Christian had continued smiling. She remembers feeling brittle and angry and shocked. She remembers how her face had betrayed nothing as she listened to Christian explaining that the media was being extremely critical of her attitude. A boyfriend would do wonders for her public image, Christian had said, as though he didn’t know that she was fiercely protective of her privacy—as though he didn’t know how guarded she was about herself. She had nodded and smiled politely and told them that she would consider it. The quiet smile of relief that had been on Christian’s face had followed her as Britta and she had walked out of the room.

“Britta said that they can’t make me date someone,” Sebastiana quietly says and Mark tilts his face to stare at her.

“Vettel, that doesn’t answer the question.”

“No, I’m not going to get a boyfriend for my image,” she nonchalantly shrugs. She doesn’t tell Mark that the idea of dating, of dating a man terrifies her. She doesn’t tell Mark that she’s never had a high school sweetheart, never kissed someone, never met a boy who made her toes curl in her shoes—she’s probably not yet met the right man. She doesn’t want to spill her guts to her teammate. Sebastiana continues, “I don’t really date, and nobody can make me do anything.”

Mark crosses his arms and his lips thin into an uneasy line, “Good. Because it was a fucking stupid idea.”

She blinks at the bluntness in Mark’s voice, “You’re angry.”

“Yeah, I don’t think they were thinking when they came up with it. It’s ridiculous.”

“Christian didn’t seem to think so. Don’t you agree with him? I’d be so much more relatable, likable, controllable if I had a boyfriend. According to Christian, nobody likes a woman with no ties.” Her words are sharp with bitter sarcasm but Mark doesn't even flinch.

“I’m not that much of an asshole, and Christian, Christian should have known better. You should have been angrier, put him in his place.”

Sebastiana scowls and “I’m sorry I was a bit overwhelmed by the audacity of the suggestion to even—”

The sound of her phone ringing startles both of them and Sebastiana fishes her phone out of her pocket. Kimi. She stares at the name on her screen and lets it ring till it falls silent. Her fingers tighten around the phone as the screen fades to black. It’s way too quiet on the terrace.

“Why didn't you answer Kimi’s call?” Mark watches her curiously.

Sebastiana shrugs, “I’ll call her back later. Don't particularly feel like talking to anyone right now.”

“You’re talking to me,” Mark quips with a grin and Sebastiana groans in exasperation, sometimes it’s easy to forget that Mark is older than her.

“And you’re being daft.”

Mark smiles at that and tilts his head to look at her contemplatively, “Kimi, she's your friend, right?” Mark asks, and Sebastiana feels her stomach tighten. She thinks of how she found out about Kimi’s wedding from the newspapers. She closes her eyes and thinks of her fury after finding out what Ferrari had done to Kimi, the cold week of silence after she realised that Kimi wasn’t coming back in 2010, the realisation that she just couldn’t stay mad at Kimi forever. Kimi is everything.

“Why?” She sounds defensive and she hides a grimace. She wonders if Mark sees the tension in her shoulders.

Mark shakes his head and grins at her, “I just—I’m your friend too, okay?”

Sebastiana wants to shove Mark away, wants to snap at him and tell him that he's just her teammate, but he looks earnest and she doesn't have the energy to be cruel.

“Okay. But you'll still probably end up hating me anyway.”

Mark fixes her with a steady gaze, “We’re not a self-fulfilling prophecy.”

“No, we’re not. But I will win, and you will not like me. It’s inevitable.”

“You’re a fucking dumbass,” Mark squeezes Sebastiana’s shoulder and smiles at her with poorly concealed warmth and affection.

Sebastiana rolls her eyes and knocks her elbow against Mark’s, “It’s my one redeeming quality.”

Mark flicks her ear, “Asshole. Anyway, I gotta go. I’ll beat you in the next race.”

The smile on her face feels positively predatory. She can deal with this—the threat, the thrill of the competition, the thirst for victory.

She watches Mark walk away, listens to his footsteps fade away, and she sits down on the floor. Her phone suddenly rings in her palm and Sebastiana answers on the first ring.

“Hey Kimi, sorry I couldn’t take your earlier call, I was talking to Mark.”

“About Turkey?” Kimi’s voice is soft and gravelly over the phone and so far away. Sebastiana leans against the railing and closes her eyes. It’s not that she doesn’t see Kimi regularly but it never feels enough—some days, she misses her best friend so much, it makes her bones ache. Every race weekend, Sebastiana sits in her room and reminds herself that she’s not going to find Kimi dressed in her red Ferrari race suit, tying up her long blonde hair. She has to sit for five minutes and remind herself that Kimi isn’t at the circuit, she’s in Switzerland, she’s a phone call away, but she’s not there at the circuit. Sebastiana sometimes wonders how she managed to get so stupidly attached to her.  

“Does that mean you watched my race?”

“No, it was in the papers.”

“Oh.” Of course, Sebastiana thinks, Kimi rarely watches races these days, getting all her updates from the newspapers and Seb’s phone calls. “The team, the team thinks I should get a boyfriend to improve my image. Damage control after Turkey, you know?”

There’s a sharp intake of breath and Kimi swears, Sebastiana huffs in resignation, “Relax, I’m not going to do it.”

“Fucking bastards. I hope you punched them.” Sebastiana scrunches up her nose, confused by the strain in Kimi’s voice, it almost sounds as though she’s talking through clenched teeth.

She shakes her head, “No, I was diplomatic and polite, but it’s not going to happen. I’m not going to date someone because the team asked me to.”

“Good. You should date someone you love,” Kimi says.

Sebastiana sighs and laughs bitterly, “And love whoever I want, yeah, except someone needs to love me back.”

“Basti—” Kimi begins to say before falling silent, and Sebastiana is immensely grateful because this is not a conversation she wants to have.

She shrugs as she hoists herself up with the help of the railing, “Honestly though, I’m not even looking for a relationship right now. I’ve got my priorities straight.”

“Okay Seb, whatever you say,” Kimi doesn’t sound convinced but she doesn’t push the topic further. She pauses for a few seconds before continuing, “Will you come over for dinner with us when you’re back in Switzerland?”

“Sure. I’ll also bring mulled wine.”

“Seb, I have enough alcohol in my house but you can bring your wine if you want to, Jani loves it.”

Seb rolls her eyes and smirks, “At least your husband appreciates my gifts.”

“I’ll see you soon. Bye Seb.”

“Bye Kimi”

Sebastiana waits for Kimi to cut the phone call and mouths a soundless _I love you._

**Author's Note:**

> \- Thank you so much for reading. I'd love to hear your thoughts, so don't forget to leave some comments, critique and/or kudos.  
> \- You can find me on [tumblr.](https://kayhavertz.tumblr.com) if you want to chat on that instead.  
> 


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